Body Confidence

I’ve had a hard time lately knowing what I should write about on here. So I started thinking about the kinds of things I would like to read if I was reading a blog, and self confidence is a huge issue in my life. I’m continuing with my whole “not thinking about other people” when I write this, so I’m not writing this to get attention or to make people think certain things about me. This is for me and me only, if you don’t like it GTFO.

So if you follow my blog you will have read my last post of my 30 day challenge, which was basically about how I see myself – gross. I’ve had body issues from a very young age. I was bullied all through primary school and high school. Now, I was never bullied for being overweight/fat/whatever but it was usually always about my appearance. Pink shoes, hi-5 tshirts, bad haircuts and emo fringes were some of the things over the years I was teased for. At the end of year 10 (which was a horrible year full of bullying, which you can read about in my 30 day challenge) I became obsessed with my weight. I’m not sure what triggered it, I’ve never liked my appearance but something in me snapped. All of a sudden I was weighing myself constantly and I was depressed. In year 11 I pretty much starved myself for three months. This is how I looked:

Yeah, so I wasn’t anorexic thin, but I had lost a lot of weight in a very short period of time. And even here I saw myself as this fat disgusting slob. All I wanted to do was lose more weight. At this point I started eating properly again (kinda), well better than I had been in previous months. But if I ever got to 65kg I would not eat for three days. A couple of months later I started going out with Thomas.

For the first few months of our relationship he didn’t know about these issues, but eventually when you share enough of yourself with a person they start to realize when something is wrong. Thomas helped me see that I didn’t need to do what I was doing, that he and all my friends would love me no matter what my weight. He gave me perspective. You’re probably all coming to realize that I wouldn’t be half the person I am today without him. So, I stopped. I just ate what I wanted and stopped weighing myself. I was the happiest I had been in years.

Now anyone who has dieted will know what happened next. I put all the weight back on – and more.

I gained about 8kg over the next 6 months and I didn’t care until just recently. I know what happened to make me start looking at myself that same god damn way, but I’m not going to write it here. I don’t think I can type it out. A few months ago I looked at myself in the mirror and hated everything. E v e r y t h i n g. I was disgusted at what I had “let myself become”. I was just so angry. About 6 weeks ago I cut out all the shit food from my life and started exercising regularly. I have lost 3 kg, the healthy way. But I still hated myself.

Up until today. When I found this blog: www.curveappeal.tumblr.com I look at these girls and I see absolutely nothing but beauty, so why do I look at myself and see everything I hate? I compare a curvy girl with a skinny girl, and I pick the curvy girl every. single. time. And I don’t understand why I hate myself. In the 1950s being curvy was praised, Marilyn Monroe was curvy along with every single pin-up girl. There were advertisements advising girls on how to GAIN weight to look better in their swimsuits. For some reason we associate health and beauty with thin girls only, and this is not right. In saying that, there is nothing wrong with being thin – just like there is nothing wrong with being curvy. There is nothing wrong with me. People have told me this before. But some people haven’t. I’ve been called a “fat dyke”, I refuse to go on chatroulette because two groups of guys called me fat and I believe the few people who have said these things about me. One of my family members called me “flubbery” recently. That was the worst. What the hell kind of word is flubbery?!

Anyway. I won’t be able to adore my body right now, but I can grow to. I’m gonna keep eating well and exercising, and if I lose weight, I lose weight. If I don’t, I think I’m okay with that. I just want to feel healthy. More than anything I want to look in the mirror and love myself, whether I weigh 50 or 150 kgs because when it comes down to it, self love is the most important. You can’t go through your whole life hating yourself, and I refuse to any longer.